Too Much Information

Thursday, I followed Scribbit's advice, went over to to the blog Mental Tesserae, and specifically this post: This Little Piggy and learned something about myself. (Her post is a hoot, y'all need to read it.)

It turns out that I have a condition known as pes valgus. No, it isn't fatal, but it can cause problems.

What, you ask, is pes valgus? It's also known as Morton's Foot, after the podiatrist that studied the anomaly in the 1930s.

It means that my second toe, the one next to my big toe on each foot, is longer than the big toe.

I know. I'm a freak. What can I say.

But in the post I linked to above, the author looked into this trait and found out that the ancients thought that people with a longer second toe had god-like attributes. Now hey! I wish I had known this as a kid.

I was picked on in a minor way for the length of my toes. I get this from Sainted Mother who also has pes valgus.

I could also amaze people with how dextrous my toes were; I could pick up (still can) and throw small items with my feet.

This might explain why I like chimps a lot, our feet are just plain more useful than most folks's feet. I'm disappointed though, that I cannot peel a banana with mine. THAT would be a neat party trick!

You know how in A Charlie Brown Christmas, Charlie Brown has to explain to one of the girls who is to portray the Inn Keeper's Wife in the Christmas play that Pig Pen's dirt shouldn't be looked down upon? He asked her to think of Pig Pen's dirt as possibly the dust of an ancient civilization, maybe the dirt had been trod upon by Solomon, etc. Pig Pen looks at the girl and says, "Makes you want to treat me with a little more respect, doesn't it?"

I henceforth will be requiring all family members to treat me with new-found respect since I have long second toes. Just being god-like, just bein' me, ya know?

I will also henceforth memorize what I have learned about pes valgus so that any future jokes about my monkey toes will be swiftly and severely rebutted by giving the jokester a stern talking talking to. Replete with a mind numbing array of facts and and the names of people and works of art displaying folks like me with longer second toes. My coma-inducing lecture will be just the come-uppance they deserve. I'll have a no-tolerance policy on this. (I can't wait! I'm gonna start going barefooted today.)

None other than Michaelangelo's massive "David" statue in Florence, Italy has long second toes. I'm immediately taken from the depths of ridicule and thrust up to the heights of glory! I no longer have to be ashamed to wear a size 14 shoe!

"Dang JAM! I never noticed how big your feet are."

"That's ok. I forgive you. I have pes valgus, the feet of the gods. You may now throw flower petals in my path, knave."

This is going to be fun.

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True Story

When Lovely Wife and I arrived at our apartment in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, after our honeymoon, we had our first goofy/funny thing happen as a married couple. (Don't worry, it's a clean story.)

In our first week as a married couple, we laid down to sleep one night, me on my left side. Lovely Wife then scroonched up against my back, "spooning", with her legs up against the backs of my legs. My legs were bent up some, so hers fit behind mine perfectly, with even her feet coming just under mine so that even our feet "spooned."

I lay there for a couple of minutes, then slowly stretched out my monkey toes and wrapped them around her toes and squeezed her toes real hard with mine.

She JERKED back away from me, sat up and turned on the bedside lamp and said, "WHAT WAS THAT!"

When I stopped laughing, I had to explain to her what I had done. My long toes and my years of practice in grabbing things with them had come in quite handy in giving Lovely Wife her first "freak out" of our young marriage.

Good times, good times.

I still use my feet to pick up and throw small doggy toys that are on the floor. They're also great for picking up socks and other errant items of clothing that have fallen to the floor.