When Good Intentions Get Trampled by Reality:
It's over in the evening, almost dark on January 1, 2013.
As 2012 came rushing to a close through November and December, I began to have a little up-tick in my spirit; I felt that I was turning a corner and had that almost forgotten feeling that I used to get when I had the courage to make big changes for the better in my life.
Oh well, so much for that plan.
My back problems and chronic pain have made the past few years of little consequence when it comes to moving forward and achieving goals in my life.
I call them health issues because I have a screwed up back and hurt all the time, but at the same time I've never felt that "health issues" or "health problems" is the right way to put what I deal with.
To me, health problems is more along the lines of sickness. Sickness is usually acute, and can kill you quick.
Skeletal problems that have been repaired as best the doctors can do and continuing chronic pain doesn't sound or feel like sickness to me, so mentally I feel I should be able to struggle with my pain, struggle through my pain and confidently still attain my dreams and goals, albeit on a slower trajectory.
December found me feeling increasingly bad - just generally bad - and then to top it all off, my back began hurting in certain new spots. Hurting as in when the pain hit, I would yell out with no control, as if a mule kicked me in the back. Just instant 0-10 level pain jump and after a few seconds, the pain would begin to taper off, only to leave me breathless, shocked and relieved that the episode was over.
On Christmas Day, a light was shined on my new issues when I went to pee about 1pm.
Peeing felt like I was passing sulfuric acid, and it hurt so bad that my body fought itself, both to relieve my full bladder, and to not pee so the burning would stop.
Long story short, I had a pretty nasty urinary track infection. The tests run so far have indicated I have kidney stones, but with it being the holidays, getting x-rays and confirming various possibilities has been progressing at a snail's pace.
As I sit here this first day of a new year, I WANT to be working lickety-split on getting out of the rut I've been in for the past three years or so with my chronic pain.
But along with the chronic pain, I now face the dilemma of getting to the bottom of my kidney stone problem, because, though the antibiotics have almost cleared me of my infection, I still have the new pain, theoretically from kidney stones.
Kinda puts a crimp in the idea of hitting the ground of the new year running, you know?
I've never been a New Year's resolution kind of guy, but I hoped that the spiritual surge I was getting into at the end of 2012 would help me get a good start in being diligent in working on my (admittedly simple) goals for the new year.
Instead, I begin 2013 with that old "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" situation instead.
But I am SO thankful for a loving and supportive family; my lack of progress on where I'd like to be heading in my life exists only in my head.
All of this reminds me to 1. Be thankful to God for all the wonderful people and things in my life, and 2. That my problems aren't life threatening (at this point) so I know I can get back on track, if very slowly instead of quickly.
First priorities of this new year are to get on track health wise, and to get better on my guitar. That's it. Down to two goals from about one thousand always kicking around in my head ten years ago.
Simple as these two goals sound, they're actually pretty lofty from where I am right now.
Just wanted to post a blog post on Jan. 1, and now, have metronome and guitar; time for some scales, baby!
God bless all of you.