Thursday Thirteen #12

The Party Pooper's Guide® To Halloween Warning! I let my alter ego, The Party Pooper, write my Thursday Thirteen this week. 13 Tips For A Safe And Fun Halloween 1. Safe. Be extra careful putting the razor blades and needles in the candied apples and popcorn balls. Your blood on the treat will be too big a clue as to what's inside. Plus, razor cuts and pin sticks hurt. A chain mail glove is great for handling razors, but you just have to be cautious with the needles. Don't try this one. It's just too dangerous for you, and plus, you don't get to see the end result of your labors. 2. Fun. Have a set of treats that are extra heavy in case some kid has a paper or plastic sack for their treats. When you see one, get a heavy treat and THROW it into the bag and try to bust the bottom of their bag out. I suggest gluing a smartie candy to a big rock; Smarties are cheap but tasty, and rocks are free. Those who are smart enough to use those little orange plastic jack-o-lanterns with the black plastic handle get the razor apples and pin popcorn balls. 3. Fun. Give out huge handfuls of those black or orange wrapped Mary Janes. I have never known even one person who liked the darn things. The disappointed look behind the mask when you hand out these things is all the thanks you'll need. 4. Safe. If you are agoraphobic… Well, never mind. You won't even get out to buy candy and will just keep your lights off and the doors locked and the TV volume low. Smart move. VERY safe. Good job. Carry on. 5. Fun. Go to your local pet shop and buy up all of the tarantulas they have. Drop one in each kid's goodie bag, but do it slowly so they see what's going in, but fast enough that they don't snatch the goodie bag away before they get their free pet. This is only a suggestion. I'm personally terrified of spiders, especially big hairy ones, but if you can handle them, this would go over big. I'm sure of it. 6. Fun. One time, when you open the door, reach out, grab a little kid, step back inside and shut and lock the door, and turn off the outside lights. Man! The screaming that goes on with both the kid inside and the parents outstide… Woo-eee! That's fun. 7. Safe. Keep a loaded shotgun by the door, and if someone is dressed like a witch, blow 'em away before they can cast a spell on you. Or, if you’re scared you'll kill some innocent kid only dressed like a witch, just keep a bucket of water by the door instead. Throw water on all witches, 'cause the ones that are really witches will melt like that green one on The Wizard Of Oz did. 8. Fun. If you are one of those "adults" that likes to dress up when greeting kids at the door, THE hot costume this year is to dress up like a nudist. Trust me, you'll be the only nekkid adult answering the door in your neighborhood. All the kids'll be talkin' about you. Plus it's free, you already have a nudist costume. Well, in the wake of the Foley scandal, this one might be exhibiting your insensitive side a wee bit too much. (Note: Naked – means you don’t have any clothes on. Nekkid – means you don’t have any clothes on AND you’re up to something.) 9. Fun. Pay some neighborhood kid that's too old to trick or treat this year $5 per kid's candy bag they snatch and bring to you. Yeah, it might end up costing you a pretty penny, but remember that you're training the next generation of true halloween pranksters like yourself. Plus you have all of that candy; just be sure not to eat the candied apples or pop corn balls. Bonus; have you ever watched a dog try to eat a Mary Jane? It's a hoot, seriously. 10. Fun. In the two weeks leading up to halloween, check your local paper for kittens being given away. There are always some in there. Get a whole bunch of them. Lots of parents wait for their kids by the road and just watch from a distance. THOSE kids get a kitten! Of course the kid will be in love with it before they reach their parents down by the street and will throw a fit to keep it. If you have any kittens left over, just drive them out into the country and leave them somewhere on November 1st. 11. Fun. You and some other adults, get hockey masks and your chain saws and crank 'em up and go trick or treating yourselves. Come on! You know you want to relive the fun times, plus the look on other people's faces when they open the door to half a dozen adults wearing hockey masks and idling chain saws is worth the effort. 12. Fun. You know how you act all pretend-scared and stuff when you open the door to some kid dressed in a scary costume? Well, still act scared, but step back, close the door, and turn off the lights. Don't answer no matter how much they knock. Watch out the window, and when they leave your yard, turn the lights back on for the next batch of kids. 13. Fun. If you are invited to an adult halloween party, go late so that everyone is there. Then when you're inside, go up to the table with all the punch and goodies and scream and shove everything onto the floor. It's HILARIOUS! I did this at the most recent party I was invited to, this was about 18 or 19 years ago now, and it was great! Just kidding folks. Also, I stole number 13 from Steve Martin's old standup routine from the 1970's. The rest I just made up. I hope you aren't offended. But hey, it's halloween, trick's on YOU! I don't do halloween and this was the only thing I could come up with, as I knew lots of folks would write stuff about halloween on their Thursday Thirteens this week. No kids, adults, spiders, or kittens were injured or killed in the writing of this Thursday Thirteen. The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!