She's All A-Twitter

I've talked about Big Sis's, ahem, infatuation with country crooner Keith Urban.

But right now, she's in a state of suspended anticipation. (Hey, not bad. I just made that up.)

Ever since Big Sis got to go down to the stage this past spring and rub her hands in Keith Urban's scruff at one of his concerts in Waco, she's been, well, wacko.

A couple of weeks ago, Big Sis and another Urbanite buddy, the sweet urbanite "L." went to Atlanta, Georgia to see ol' Keith kick off the tour in support of his upcoming new CD. (I have not actually met the sweet Urbanite "L.", but as a man, I have learned to always assume that any woman I've never met is ALWAYS sweet. It's just safer that way.)

Anyhoo, so Big Sis and "L." went off to Atlanta and shook their groove thangs, no doubt, and that's got 'em all fired up and ready for the 'official' release of his new CD in early November. That's what I mean by "all a-twitter." It's kinda like just shaking with anticipation, 24/7.

It must be hard though, to come down from riding the high of two concerts in two days. Of seeing one of the two concerts from close enough to catch a few drops of sweat from ol' Keith's sweaty hair. And then have to come back to her mild mannered job as a public junior high school office worker. Where the highlight of her day is probably changing her computer background photo to a different Keith Urban picture than yesterday's. Trying to sneak in some internet time while at work to look up news on Keith's whereabouts and to hang out in Urbanite chat rooms slingin' gossip and the like, but thwarted in her efforts by the old, slow computer that is all the school board could afford for her.

Oh, the humanity!

Oh, the crushing blows of a dull and dreary life, when her mind is filled with the memory of two concerts in two days, and being so close she could probably smell the tuna salad sandwich he had for lunch, on his breath as he belted out his new songs!

Tuna never smelled that good before now!

It must be hard to have been born beautiful instead of rich, otherwise she'd be following him like the deadheads of old. Forever on the road, following him, but ever living under the dark cloud of knowing that Keith takes every opportunity to visit with that stupid, gorgeous movie star wife of his, when he has all of these adoring fans following him around like lost puppies.

Life's not fair I say!

It must be hard to live in the middle of Nowheresville, Louisiana. Hours and hours of driving to get to the closest Keith Urban concert cities.

It must be hard to work so hard and be paid such a pittance, that you can only muster the cash for only one or two concert trips per calendar year.

It must be depressing to try and try and try to come up with ways to get more money for more trips to Keith Urban concerts all around the fruited plain, and the best you can come up with is selling your plasma for like ten bucks a pop, twice a week. But that's both too painful and not enough money.

It must be hard to know that your own husband and Sainted Mother and brothers won't throw thousand dollar bills at you every time you speak the name Keith Urban. Because, if they really, really loved you, they would do exactly that. They don't do that, so therefore they must not.

Poor, poor put upon, hard working Big Sis. All that hard work, all that scheming and clawing and reaching, and all she has to show for it are a few blurry memories, a few blurry pictures, and a vague memory of the smell of Keith's cologne (and tuna salad breath).

But it just may be enough. It just may be. Because she keeps hoping and scheming and clawing.

All those years of Mel Gibson fanaticism weren't for naught. They were just boot camp for being an Urbanite! All of that mental energy, all the hours of thought and planning and scheming, and Mel just turns out to be a drunken anti-Semite.

But that's OK! Keith is on the horizon now. Big Sis'll just bide her time, and if she can't have a money tree, well she'll just make do with the twice a year concert trips.

Then one day, Keith will look out in the audience, and he'll KNOW! Yes! He'll just KNOW that Big Sis is the one for him.

He'll dump that brazen hussy of a movie star he's married to, and finally be united with his one true love!

Well. Probably not.

But it won't be for a lack of Big Sis trying.

So, she'll just have to wait for the new CD to come out in a few more days, and listen to the songs she's probably already heard bootleg copies of a thousand times.

That booklet with the CD will be new though, and she'll devour every word.

Though of course she'll shed a tear when she reads where he mentions his beautiful, movie star wife by name.

But 'til that new Keith Urban CD is in her hot little hand, Big Sis'll be all a-twitter with memories and anticipation.