Thursday, February 28, 2008

Chicken Little Reports! #1

Hello everyone.

Chicken Little here, reporting from the front lines of the war against global warming deniers.

We all know that people who don't believe in global warming, and also are foolish enough to NOT believe that man is causing this dire harm to our Dear Mother Earth are no better than Holocaust deniers. That was proven last year in an editorial by a fellow believer (Ellen Goodman) in man-made global warming in the Boston Globe.

I'm here today to warn you of some dangerous news reports out there that you may or may not have seen. Hopefully those in power in the world's news outlets can help keep a lid on this easily misunderstood data, and we can keep moving forward with the man-made global warming cause and the tax revenues this movement is surely about to reap.

The web site Daily Tech, along with other news sources, is reporting that in the last year average temperatures from around the world have dropped so much that the 0.7C temperature increase that we all KNOW is because of mankind's misuse of Mother Earth's precious resources, has been nullified.

Whatever you do, DO NOT believe these reports!

We global warming believers simply have too much effort put into the contrary view, and will not be persuaded that the earth is no longer warming due to the effects of man's evil ways.

These global temperatures that seem to have been taken accurately were taken by scientists that are not part of the Great Scientific Consensus that Nobel Laureate Albert Gore has told us to believe.

Again, THE SKY IS STILL FALLING! There is no reason to believe anyone but our fearless leader and Nobel Laureate Albert Gore with regards to man's dastardly ruination of our Dear Mother Earth via global warming.

Be warned, these rogue scientists (NOT part of the Great Global Warming Consensus of Scientists) spoken of in An Inconvenient Truth, will indeed try to convince you with confusing facts that this has been the coldest winter in North America since 1966, that the northern ice pack has returned to it's full normal winter size, that the polar bear population hasn't been affected, and that the South Pole area has grown in the size of it's ice sheet.

Whatever you do, do not fall for these Holocaust Denier-type lies.

I, Chicken Little, remind you to be steadfast in your reporting of non-recyclers in your neighborhood.

I, Chicken Little, remind you to indoctrinate your precious children in the truth that is global warming.

I, Chicken Little, remind you to hurry up and trade in your big, safe car for a tiny, death-trap hybrid. It's unsafe and hideously expensive, but it's the right thing to do!

I, Chicken Little, remind you to change out those evil incandescent light bulbs with environmentally friendly compact flourescent ones. (Ignore the lies of the Holocaust Denier's claims that there is dangerous mercury in each and every environmentally friendly compact flourescent light bulb. This is simply not true and a great example of the fearmongering among the hateful, right-wing nuts that are the prime movers in the effort to destroy Mother Earth.)

I, Chicken Little, remind you to vote for Barak Obama for President, since he has already proposed a Senate measure to charge the American people with an $885Million carbon tax (per year!). This proves his rightness to suceed the evil, Earth-hating, George Bush (43) as US President, and his determination to force evil corporations and all rich Americans (couples making $75,000 per year or more) pay their fair share of taxes. Finally.

I, Chicken Little, will return from time to time, as needed to comfort and to inform you against the evil conservatives who desire to destroy Mother Earth with their SUVs, their coal-fired power plants, and their throw-away diapers.

You can count on me.

Your pal,
Chicken Little
(That's Chickie-L to all my homies out there; Nahm Sayin'? Peace out.)

P.S. Remember that we were the first fear-mongers, and we're still the best.


Olga said...

You forgot to add to eat ONLY organic food 'cuz every thing is produced by the evil corporation Walmart.

Big Doofus said...

I've been running a space heater in my office a lot lately (I live up north). Am I to blame for all of this? I probably leave it on way too much.