Saturday, August 11, 2007

A Dark and Hateful Place

This morning, Lovely Wife woke me up.

She had just been talking to Sainted Mother.

It turns out that last night Younger Brother was at his girlfriend’s house, which apparently happens to be near a bar.

Some young woman from the bar had gone outside to have a smoke, two guys followed her out and started “messing with her”, I’m not sure how, but she was resisting enough that Younger Brother went outside to see what the commotion was about.

He saw the two guys giving the woman a hard time, so he told them to stop and leave her alone.

They came over and proceeded to beat the crap out of my brother.

He spent the early hours of this morning in the hospital, and has a broken nose, a badly bruised and cut eye that required stitches, and a crushed cheekbone that is going to require reconstructive surgery.

He had boot prints all over his body where they stomped him, and even on his face and neck.

So he’s probably in the worst fix of his life right now. Nothing life threatening, but it’s going to be a long slog of recovery and surgery and more recovery in the coming months.

I’m just sick about it.

I live a thousand miles from my relatives in Louisiana. Even if I were to fly to Monroe to be around, there’s absolutely nothing I could do.

Today I feel worse inside, than if the two guys had beat me up. You know how it is, it's easier to deal with life's knocks than it is to see someone you love go through them.

Helpless and frustrated; that's me.

When I was a kid, I would cry myself to sleep at the age of 5 because I realized that one day my parents would die. Things a five year old shouldn’t be worrying about, you know?

When I was seven, and Younger Brother was born, and they brought him home, I remember standing there looking at this baby and feeling this overwhelming sense of responsibility for him. At the age of seven, somehow I felt as if his safety and security were my responsibility.

So, even though we’re now 44 and 37, I’ve never lost that feeling of being his protector.

As a Christian, I’m having a tough evening. I so thoroughly hate the men that beat my brother, that I have thought of going to track them down and do the same to them, damn the consequences.

Of course, this is not fair to my wife, my daughters, Sis in Law, all of whom depend on me being relatively healthy and working to live their lives. Not to mention continuing a life of my own, outside of prison and as a productive member of society.

The upshot of it is, I won’t do anything but stay here and pray for him, and to pray both men are caught and brought to justice.

But part of me that I’ve kept constrained, closed off and hidden from the world most of my life wants to get out.

As a kid I had a hair trigger temper, to the point if I got in a fight with someone at school or on the playground, I “blacked out” in that the rage completely took over and I had to be told later what had happened.

As I became a very big man in my late teens, and after becoming a Christian, I knew that someone of my size could ruin his life by totally going off my rocker like that any more. As a Christian, I didn’t want to either.

Over the course of my adult life, I’ve made many, many, many careful steps to become a laid back, slow to anger man.

Part of my makeup has always been pretty laid back, but when my temper blew, it was never pretty. As an adult, I even have a reputation of being cool under pressure and a very diplomatic person in times of trouble.

But today, all of that is gone.

Today, I’m filled with anger and hate that I’ve never experienced in my whole life.

Why is the 6’2”, 300lb man the easy going one, and the 5’7”, 135lb Younger Brother the go-getter who doesn’t know how small he is and rushes into trouble when a call to the police would be a better choice?

I’m furious that I wasn’t there to defend the woman and Younger Brother.

This evening my heart and mind are so filled with anger and rage, I feel like striking out to Louisiana with only a change of clothes and a baseball bat.

I was always the type of person, who when I fought as a kid and teen, that I just let the world go, and though I might lose a fight, the winner was often as bad off as me. Once the bell rings, so to speak, I fight until I cannot fight any more.

Right now, more than anything in this world, I wish I could have been there for him and whomever the woman was.

In my heart and mind, I’m in a place darker than any place I’ve ever been. That little baby that has been my responsibility for 37 years just got hurt, and hurt real bad, and I wasn’t there to help.

I’m thoroughly screwed up.

I have no idea when I will post again, maybe tomorrow, maybe never. All I want to write is pure, deadly venom for the two men who did this. Writing and publicizing my hate doesn’t seem to me to be true to the reason I started this blog, so I’ll just back off until I can write on more pleasant topics, and with a little more peace and love in my heart.

If you’re the praying type, please pray for Mark. For his recovery, and for the men to be caught and brought to justice, he was truly trying to help a young woman in trouble.

If you have any left in you, pray for the whole family and for me too.

I know better than to hold hatred inside of me like this, but right now it’s all I can see, it's overwhelming me.

How can a person have such a complete, crystalline, and pure hatred for two people I've neither seen nor met?

12 comments:

Qtpies7 said...

John, I am so sorry. I know I can't totally understand, but I know that feeling of hatred and wanting to really hurt or kill someone. It is not pretty and it is not easy to deal with.
The only way I have been able to deal with things is to truely and deeply learn to give my loved ones to God and NOT take back that responsibility.
There is a lot of ugly in the world, but it seems that your brother is a good guy, he saved a girl from a deep physical and emotional trauma. He's a hero.
Praying for you and your family.

Julie said...

Aww man....this is just so unfair. I once did an article on forgivness for my newspaper. I wish I could remember the exact phrasing, JAM..but it was something like this: Forgiveness mean that no matter what you did to me, I choose to pardon you. I choose to let it go. I won't focus my thoughts on what you did to me. I won't become all consumed in what you did to me. Not for a day, not for a moment....move forward.

JAM...if you would like to read my entire article on forgiveness just email me and I'll type it up right away.

You're brother is very brave...I hope the woman remains safe.

Hammer said...

I'm so sorry about your brother. he did the right thing. I hope the woman got away ok at least.

It's difficult when you want so badly to go right the wrong, but sadly it doesn't always work like that.

Moi said...

I feel bad for what happened John. I hope your little brother recovers soon.He has a lot to be proud of himself..risking one's own life for a stranger is not what most of us can find the courage to. Being the elder sibling in the family, I know how protective we feel towards our younger siblings. Like a parent would. Hope you all find courage to sail through these times...I and my husband were victims of a gun-point carjack not long back. For those moments that the gun was pointed at my husband's head I died a few deaths. To see him come out alive of the whole thing was enough for me to forgive the perpetrators of violence.

Please take care of yourself and the family.

J. Lynne said...

I'm terribly sorry you and your family are going through this. I'll keep you in my prayers. I just don't know what's going on in the world these days. One of my friend's sons and his friend recently went to extract their girlfriends' friend from the home of her abusive boyfriend. They had her outside in the driveway and in moments would have been gone, but the boyfriend came out of the house with a 9-millimeter. My friend's son was shot twice in the groin and his friend is dead. It just seems so unfair that such bad things happen to good people going out of their way to help people in need.

Travis said...

I'm so sorry this happened.

I'm not a religious person, but I know that you are. I guess that's where you should turn at this difficult time.

Good luck to your brother - he did a very brave thing by stepping in.

The Rock Chick said...

OH, I am so sorry about what happened to your brother! Unfortunately, there are a lot of idiots out there in the world and if they did that to him, he probably saved that girl from a whole lot worse. To step in like that, especially for a stranger is complete bravery, chivalry and quite heroic. I know you're thinking he should have called the police and you're probably right, but you know how quickly situations can escalate. I'm sure he did what he thought was right at the moment.

In all honesty, I don't know exactly what denomination people are referring to when they call themselves Christians. I am Catholic, but I also know that Catholics refer to themselves as Catholic, too, so I'm not certain what the differences all are, but I know this...you are human and Christian or not, you are going to have emotions about things.

I don't think it's wrong to feel that kind of anger in a situation like this. Acting on it would be wrong, yes, but emotions that strong are going to happen. I don't know of anything that says you have to forgive anyone immediately and I don't think that anyone is capable of that when something as horrible as this happens to someone they love.

A little time will fade the intensity of your anger and you will be able to move on and forgive. Please don't give up posting.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your brother for a speedy recovery. Hugs to all of you!

Jessica The Rock Chick

Emily said...

Oh my goodness...that is so horrible. I will pray for you and your family and your brother. That's all I can say without adding trite phrases that probably won't help at all. God be with you, man.

JoAnn's-Story&Photo-A-Day, said...

I wish you all the straght you need and also your brother.

Take care and take as much time as you need, to heal.

Hughs

CG said...

My heart goes out to you after reading your post.What a brave soul your brother is and what a loyal and loving brother you are. I'm praying for you both.

photowannabe said...

Oh John, I haven't been blogging for a few days and so I was totally shocked by this blog and the one following. You and your family will be in my prayers too. Only God can take that anger which will eat you up if you let it. I don't want to say trite things or get preachy but I'm here for you to vent.
Sue

Blogger said...

Sprinter - Future Energy