Friday, November 30, 2007

Have You Ever...

...felt like nothing you do matters?

Ok, I'll admit that I'm in the midst of a world-class funk right now. I don't want to whine about it on here because I doubt that any of you want to read that.

It's 3:02am as I write this.

My back hurts and the last dose of pain medication is wearing off.

I can't get to sleep and my brain won't shut off.

I went and laid back in my recliner for a couple of hours to see if a change of place might help, but although I'm crazy/sleepy, I can't go to sleep.

I think of several good ideas to write for blog posts, but in the mood I'm in right now, although they are good ideas, I just don't care enough to write them out. It's too hard to put words to a feel good story that I remembered when I'm anything but feeling good. So I can't write those things now; they'd sound horrible.

Kind of like how you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It usually ends badly.

But I didn't want to have day after day here to be blank.

I appreciate all y'all coming by and reading, and especially your comments and hope that I get better and pull out of my funk soon.

Problem is, that chronic pain is something that will tip a depression prone person like me into deeper darkness.

And my back hurting so much lately has been like pouring gasoline on a smoldering coal; it helps to make my outlook on life quite dim.

I haven't wanted to get out and take pictures, everything that I think would be nice to do or that I should do or whatever just gets shot down by the shotgun blast of I-don't-really-care-enough to go through with these ideas.

Conversely, I've been reading when I can, and have been reading some good fiction and non-fiction like the books I mentioned last week, so all is not lost.

In the end, it has been my blogging and photography that has taken the biggest hit. I'm almost totally robbed of all creativity right now, so bear with me.

When I'm not feeling creative, or flat-out in a depressed state, I tend to do things that are menial, non-creative, but useful.

For instance, I've been converting some VHS video into digital form on my computer. This is a first for me. I tried to do video several years ago but it was a dismal failure, our computer was way too slow and all attempts at capturing video onto the computer turned out jerky and just plain pathetic.

This computer that I have now that I bought this past spring is super fast and it captures video with great ease.

So I've been climbing the steep hill that is learning to capture, edit, and produce simple videos and it's pretty neat.

Things like converting home movies and whatnot to digital form are quite useful and allow me to do something worthwhile during these creative down times in my life.

Although I sound as if life sucks for me right now, it doesn't, but as far as blogging is concerned, it takes a pretty big hit while I deal with my issues.

I'm also learning a bit about music and am listening to CDs on how to train my ears to discern musical pitches to improve my abilities on the guitar.

Not one person in my family can play any musical instrument, no grandparents, parents or siblings could. I grew up in a family that loved to listen to music, but not one that played any music themselves.

People that I know that grew up around musical instruments being played seem to all have a better and quicker grasp of things when they themselves attempt to learn to play an instrument.

Listening to instruction on how to improve my ability to hear and understand absolute and relative pitches, will, I hope, eventually help me become a better and more confident guitarist.

Anyhoo, all is not darkness and gloom, but during these funky moods it helps me feel better about myself to learn new things and to try to accomplish positive things like with the video and music so that I'm not just wallowing in my own self pity.

Hope y'all understand. I'll keep on trucking and try to at least throw some photos out here from time to time.

And if I keep having insomnia, I'll just get on here and ramble a bit like I am tonight.

It's now 3:27am, and I'm gonna shut it down and try to go to bed. Again.



Leanne said...

The bed?? It's not helping anymore?? I'm sorry. :(

Hammer said...

I know it helps to have a creative outlet when you're feeling bad, even if it just takes your mind off of it for short periods.

Have you heard of that electical implant for chronic back pain that Jery Lewis used? It got him off the meds and saved his life.

Maybe something to look into.

JAM said...

leanne, yes, the bed helps, but when the pain level gets high enough, the pain trumps the bed or anything else I try.

I'm not sleeping on the floor any more, so that alone is worth the price of that bed.

But a strong enough pain level makes me move from place to place like a shark, never able to really stop for any length of time.

Hammer, I got info on that the last time I went to the doctor. It's most effective in helping with things like the shooting pain in my left leg, which is about 30% of my problem. The main 70% of my pain is the kind of deep, dark, throb like when you've broken a bone, once the initial sharp pain has lessened into a deep and brutal ache.

The implant thingy doesn't typically help that kind of pain. The doc said that would be an unlikely thing for the implant to help, though it could help the leg pain.

I'm thinking about it; it's kinda hard to wrap my head around having a pacemaker-like implant and battery pack put inside me.

uberstrickenfrau said...

Tea and sympathy to you blog friend! Hot soaks? I'm sure you have tried everything including voodo dolls! Hang in there, this too shall pass.

Babystepper said...

This sounds like an excellent reason to get a jacuzzi or one of those great little indoor swimming pools that constantly pushes the water out so you can swim if you want.

photowannabe said...

Hang in there John. Wish i could help or give some constructive advice, but I can't so all I will say is I care and will say a prayer for you.
Your cartoon was my hubby and I the last 2 nites. He has a raging cold so we both don't sleep.

katherine. said...

rant away in the middle of the night all you want...

I'm not so sure I would be able to tolerate that kind of ongoing must have great strength of character.

Beverly said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a bummer of a time. Pain is depressing. Hopefully, it will soon be gone. I'll look forward to your photos that you take in the beautiful Florida sun.

It's just plain hot here in Bradenton today...the northerners love it.

I'm flying to Virginia tomorrow to see my granddaughter. It won't be so warm up there.

Travis said...

I understand perfectly what you're going through. Convince yourself that it's ok to leave the blog blank. Your readers understand.

When the pain is bad, if blogging doesn't make you feel better and seems to add to you feeling bad, then consider not doing it.

Or give us the know we love the photos.

Take care.

Julie said...

Okay....your Bible, a jar of Dove hot fudge topping along with some Ben Jerry's Cherry Garcia.

It helps for a little while.

I'm so sorry for people who have constant pain. I can't imagine...and I pray that I'll never find out.

Kerri said...

Ah John....I feel like I've missed out! I haven't visited this blog lately (normally visit the photography blog) and I didn't realize you were going thru this.
I am very sorry that you are in pain and feeling down.....I hope you feel better soon :)

Sindi1968 said...

What happend to the wonderful almighty new bed?