Funny Stuff From Jack Handey, #1

- I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

- The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

- If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

- Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

- The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

- If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

- To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

---

wordcount widgets